The Agony of Being a Celtics Fan in New York Right Now

At 9:26 on Wednesday night, I was at a concert in Queens when my friend Thao texted me: “you know you are so loved in this world!!!!!!” The six exclamation points told me that the Boston Celtics had lost Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Semifinals, falling down 0-2 in the series to the New York Knicks. Despite having an otherwise wonderful night, I grew despondent. As sarcastic “wellness checks” from my Knicks fan friends sent my phone into repeated spasms, my despair continued to increase. The series is far from over; the Celtics could still make a comeback starting on Saturday night. But the taunts still stung. With all due respect to Jean Paul Sartre, hell isn’t other people—it’s other teams’ fans.

I have lived in New York City for nearly fourteen years, but I am deeply and immutably From Massachusetts, which means that I’m not in therapy despite being Jewish and a professional standup comedian. Such is my stoic New England commitment to improving my mental health through sucking it up and/or walking it off. It also means I grew up rooting for sports teams that the rest of America, and especially New York, hates.

I regularly have my beloved Celtics trash-talked to me by both NYC natives and other transplants too cowardly to have imported their native allegiances when they arrived here. Last year, in a turn of events that was huge for me personally, the Celtics won the NBA Finals despite the predictions of most analysts and the preferences of most NBA fans. But now, with the C’s looking more vulnerable as of late, the critics are back in full force. This criticism is stressful for me because I’m not, by nature, a confrontational person. I apologize to my dog when I scoot her over so I can climb into bed. I help strangers carry strollers up the subway stairs. When people describe my work they often refer to me as “nice” even though the word “funny” is sitting right there. It is hurtful, but it is consistent.

When basketball is involved, though, I am an irredeemable hater. Should the Celtics lose this series to the Knicks or otherwise fall short of a championship season, I will salute my hometown squad for their effort and accomplishments, and I will warm myself by a blazing trash can of spite. I will take solace in the fact that Lakers fans convinced themselves they were contenders in Luka’s first season of the team without having a legitimate starting center on their roster, the way your most delusional and tone deaf friend thinks they could win American Idol if Paula Abdul were still judging. It was a treat to see the Celtics historic rivals punted out of the first round in the same way it made me smile to watch contemporary foes the Miami Heat’s season dissolve like, to use a Miami-appropriate analogy, so much cocaine dropped into a jacuzzi.

If I’m being honest though, I’m a little jealous of Knicks fans. Let me be clear here: It’s not because of the Knicks themselves. People love to say: “The league is better when the Knicks are good!” Okay, but, real quick…when is that? The Jalen Bronson era has been a thrill, I type through gritted fingers. But before that the team hadn’t been relevant for, what? A quarter of a century? They haven’t won a championship since 1973. Spike Lee couldn’t legally drink back when the team popped that victory champagne. Timothée Chalamet was negative twenty-two years old. The Celtics, for contrast, boast eighteen championship banners compared to the Knicks’ pair of rings.