My Patagonia Tote Bag Probably Isn’t Indestructible, but It’s Definitely Idiot-Proof

Heads up, folks: There’s a whole bunch of Patagonia gear on sale at this very moment.

For most of my life I figured a tote was a tote, and so long as my gear fit, the bag did its job. I assumed there was a hard ceiling on how good a tote could get. I was so, so wrong. It turns out that a tote can achieve altitudes that require supplemental oxygen, and I learned this because I caved and bought a Patagonia 25L Black Hole Tote.

So you know this isn’t just some day-1 Amazon unboxing review, I bought the Black Hole two whole years ago, during a particularly wet stretch of weather. I’m unsure if $75 has ever gone farther in my life.

My Black Hole hasn’t faltered in the years since—and not for lack of abuse. It’s helped me wade through countless streams and rivers, been chucked down cliffs and boulders, dragged along the particularly gritty gneiss and granite rock faces of upstate New York, and (no lie) been run over twice. (One of my many bad habits is leaving things in precarious places—including, but not limited to, under cars. It’s shady down there on a hot summer day! Let me live.)

The star of the show is the Black Hole’s fabric: a 100-percent recycled nylon with a TPU (thermoplastic polyurethane) coating that’s both water resistant and, as proven earlier, tough as nails. Possibly tougher; I’ve not yet gone at it with a hammer. The interior on both bags is, as the Black Hole name implies, just a giant cavern with a single pocket for the things you don’t want to fish around for.

But here’s the thing: the Black Hole is kitted out with four (4!) daisy chain loops on both outside surfaces, to which I’ll clip anything that can be clipped. And if you thought pockets were sick, wait until you find all the ways to put carabiners to work.

But neither the bombproof fabric nor those daisy chains are the headliner. That honor goes to the Black Hole’s shoulder strap. Straps on tote bags are notoriously hard to nail down. Are you slinging it over your shoulder? Carrying it by your side but hoping it won’t drag? I would understand if anyone trying to nail down that impossible situation turned into the Joker in the aftermath. I don’t know the exact length of the Black Hole’s straps and have no intention of measuring. But just know that they comfortably slip over my shoulder (or over my head, when I’m lugging a bouldering crash pad) for miles on end, yet don’t result in the bag getting sanded to death by concrete sidewalks when I’m in grocery mode.

I’ve since bought Patagonia’s deluxe-sized 61-liter version, the Black Hole Gear Tote. As you might imagine based on the above, it rips just as hard (though not literally). And here’s the best part: both Black Hole Totes are under $100 right now, thanks to a bonkers web sale that will allow you to scoop the big fella for just $71.

Enjoy this life-changing tote. Watch where you leave it (though don’t worry too much).